Holmes vs Holmes
by Falco aesalon
Summary: When several different film interpretations of Sherlock Holmes are put in the same room, rivalries are born and arguements will brew. Pretty OOC, but no slash. ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
1. Holmes vs Holmes vs Holmes

This is written for Sadyna on deviantART, and inspired by the conversation between us on her artwork _Holmes' Bad Hair Day_.

Disclaimer: I don't not own the characters or the various interpretations; I'm just borrowing them. And messing with them.

*kicks the website for not doing the lines all the way across in her other stories*

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BR Holmes: Basil Rathbone Holmes

JB Holmes: Jeremy Brett Holmes

RDJ Holmes: Robert Downey Jr. Holmes

NB Watson: Nigel Bruce Watson

DB Watson: David Burke Watson

JL Watson: Jude Law Watson

Edward Hardwicke Watson isn't there because Sadyna drew David Burke, not Edward Hardwicke. And Basil Rathbone Holmes and Nigel Bruce Watson are there because they are classic. And I'm using the actor's initials because they're easier to type instead of the whole name. Enjoy!

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The Watsons were sitting in the kitchen calmly discussing the latest medical discoveries, the latest cases, and the antics and eccentricities of the Holmeses.

However, the Holmeses were not getting along so well. They were seated in the sitting room by the fire. JB Holmes and RDJ Holmes had started an argument about which was better.

"More people like me," said JB Holmes. "So there."

"Yeah right," RDJ Holmes rolled his eyes.

"Well, I don't have so many haters."

"At least _I_ don't parade around in that stupid hat!"

"Hey!" said BR Holmes.

"Why is _he_," JB Holmes jerked his head in BR Holmes's direction, "here anyway?"

"I think they said it was because he's classic."

"Not a very good reason, is it?" said JB Holmes.

BR Holmes seemed very offended at this.

"At least _he_," RDJ Holmes pointed to BR Holmes, "only wore that hat twice and reached for it once!"

"You're in love with The Woman!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Oh yeah? She loves me too!"

"So you admit it!"

"You're just jealous. Neither of you ever had much of a love interest to speak of."

BR Holmes crossed his arms and looked even more offended.

"At least I'm not shorter than my Watson."

"Me and _my_ Watson have a dog together!" RDJ Holmes picked up Gladstone.

"According to your Watson, it's _his _dog." JB Holmes sniffed. "And at least _my_ Watson isn't a bumbling idiot." JB Holmes looked accusingly at BR Holmes. "And he doesn't have a gambling problem either." JB Holmes looked accusingly at RDJ Holmes.

"See?" RDJ Holmes turned to look at BR Holmes. "He _is_ jealous; he just won't admit it!"

"I'm offended," said BR Holmes. He started to get up from his chair.

"Where do you think you're going?" RDJ Holmes got up to stop BR Holmes.

"Home," said BR Holmes.

"But you can't leave yet!" cried JB Holmes. "You still have to tell us which one is better!"

"Fine," BR Holmes pointed to RDJ Holmes. "He is." BR Holmes went down to the kitchen. "Come, Watson, we're leaving."

"But Holmes," NB Watson protested, "we haven't even started discussing—"

"We're leaving. _Now_."

NB Watson got up from the table. "It's been a pleasure to meet you both," he began.

"Watson!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming."

**Meanwhile...**

"So," RDJ Holmes leaned back in his chair.

"Okay then," JB Holmes was deep in thought. "You're Watson _doesn't_ love you."

At that moment, DB Watson and JL Watson opened the door of the sitting room.

RDJ Holmes's world came crashing down. He himself at JL Watson's feet and put a death grip on JL Watson's legs. "WHYYYYY!" he cried. "Lies! Hold me, Watson!"

"Why? What? What did he say?"

RDJ Holmes didn't answer, so JL Watson hugged him and tried to assure him that everything was alright, although he still didn't know what was wrong.

"What _did_ you say, Holmes?" asked DB Watson.

"I told him that his Watson doesn't love him." JB Holmes said nonchalantly.

"Holmes, you can be _really_ cruel sometimes," said DB Watson.

"I have my moments," said JB Holmes. "Now let's go buy a puppy."

........................................................................................................................................................................

Some of these lines were borrowed from Sadyna's _Holmes vs. Holmes pr3_.

In summary, BR Holmes is deeply offended, RDJ Holmes is heart-broken, and JB Holmes wants a puppy. But the question is, will DB Watson (and Mrs. Hudson!) give in?

So who _really_ should have won? I'd love to know what you think!


	2. The Aftermath

I'm really sorry, I know I said I'd have this up by Monday. But here it is... Enjoy!

I'm still mad at the website for not doing the lines right. Ugh.

...

Basil Rathbone Holmes and Nigel Bruce Watson

"Why did we leave so suddenly, Holmes?" asked NB Watson.

"I have been insulted in the worst way."

"That bad, hmm?"

"Indeed, Watson. It was entirely necessary to leave before I hurt my selves."

"_Yourself!_"

"My other selves."

"Oh."

...

Jeremy Brett Holmes and David Burke Watson

JB Holmes hailed a cab and he and DB Watson got in.

After a few minutes, JB Holmes brought up the subject of buying a puppy.

"Watson—"

"No."

"We—"

"No."

"But you're not even lis—"

"No."

"Just a little—"

"No."

Both were silent for a moment.

"No..."

"Why not, Watson? The _other_ Holmes has one!"

"Jude Watson said 'It's my dog, not our dog, _my_ dog.' Besides, _our_ Mrs. Hudson would never let you keep a dog; you know that."

JB Holmes sat back and began pouting.

...

Robert Downey Jr. Holmes and Jude Law Watson

"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" LIES, WATSON, LIES!"

"What did he say, Holmes?" JL Watson had to shout over RDJ Holmes's wailing.

"HE SAID YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME!"

"Well, I don't _love_ you—"

RDJ Holmes wailed even louder.

"I mean, not _that_ way! I love you as a brother but not—"

RDJ Holmes stopped crying and looked at JL Watson. "You mean it?"

"'Course I do, Holmes."

The two sat there for a while in silence.

"Holmes, why did you believe him anyway?"

RDJ Holmes shrugged.

JL Watson stared at him. "I don't see why you would have any reason to believe him—"

RDJ Holmes just glared at JL Watson.

"I'll go and see if Mrs. Hudson can bring up some tea, shall I?" JL Watson left the room and went downstairs.

Gladstone made a loud huffing noise as though mocking RDJ Holmes.

RDJ Holmes glared at Gladstone. "If you continue to mock me, I will personally make sure you go to live with Ronald Howard Holmes."

Gladstone growled.

"Yes, I know you hate him. And he hates you, so it would work out just fine."

...

If anyone liked Ronald Howard Holmes, then sorry, but he was (in my opinion) dreadful, horrible, terrible, bad, and boring. AT THE SAME TIME.

If you haven't read Natural Consequences (by paperflower86 on deviantART), Natural Consequences Extra (by Sadynax on Live Journal) then I suggest you do. I'd put up links, but the website refuses to let me.

What did you think? Reviews make my day! ;D

...

After _Natural Consequences..._

RDJ Holmes: Me and my Watson have _five_ dogs together!  
JB Holmes: Can I have one?  
RDJ Holmes: NO!  
JB Holmes: *sulks*

But does that discourage JB Holmes? No, no, he'll get 101 dalmations if he has to!

Mrs. Hudson: Mr. Holmes!  
JB Holmes: *pops head out of pile of one hundred and one yapping dalmations* Yes, Mrs. Hudson?  
Mrs. Hudson: What are these doing here?  
JB Holmes: Um... experiment?  
Mrs. Hudson: Take them outside! Now!  
JB Holmes: *sulks again*

Later...

JB Holmes: I have 101 damlations!  
RDJ Holmes: Like, the movie?  
JB Holmes: No, like one hundred and one real dalmations.  
RDJ Holmes: LIAR!  
JB Holmes: AM NOT!  
RDJ Holmes: ARE TOO!  
*both are buried in a sudden avalanche of one hundred and one yapping dalmations*  
JB Holmes: Now do you believe me?  
RDJ Holmes: Yeah, fine. But I bet your Mrs. Hudson won't let you keep them!  
JB Holmes: ...


	3. Aspidistra

Mrs. Hudson was just cooking dinner when JB Holmes and DB Watson entered. They seemed to have been arguing about something.

"Fine," DB Watson was saying, why don't you ask Mrs. Hudson, then?"

"Fine," said JB Holmes. "I believe I will."

JB Holmes opened the kitchen door and poked his head in. "Mrs. Hudson," he began, "would you allow me to keep a dog here at Baker Street?"

Mrs. Hudson glared at him. "No," she said.

JB Holmes sighed dejectedly and ascended the stairs to his rooms. Mrs. Hudson continued cutting the vegetables. Suddenly she heard a cry from upstairs.

"Mrs. Hudson!" Footsteps thundered down the stairs. The kitchen door was flung open and JB Holmes stood in the doorway,. "Mrs. Hudson! My aspidistra is gone!"

"Oh, I see. A few minutes before you returned, I a man sneak past the window, peek in, and run off down the street carrying an uprooted plant."

"JB Holmes seemed quite excited at this news. "What did he look like?" he asked.

"Well, he was short, and had scruffy black hair. I couldn't see his eyes because he was wearing dark glasses."

JB Holmes immediately recognized the description, and growled in annoyance. "He'll pay for that!" JB Holmes shouted and rushed out the door, stopping only to grab his hat and coat. Mrs. Hudson watched out the window as JB Holmes ran down the street, searching for a cab.

...

RDJ Holmes laughed silently to himself as he watched JB Holmes hail a cab and jump in, shouting an address to the cabby. RDJ Holmes ran through his secret shortcut to beat JB Holmes to RDJ Holmes's Baker Street. Yes, JB Holmes would never be able to prove that RDJ Holmes had stolen his aspidistra.

~Fin

(insert line thingy here)

A/N: I was watching Granada's _The Adventure of the Cardboard Box_ and though I wasn't able to finish watching it, I did see the scene where Brett!Holmes shouted at Mrs. Hudson for taking his aspidistra. So naturally, RDJ!Holmes would be inclined to steal it to get back at Brett!Holmes. I didn't want to be too lenient with the fate of the aspidistra (RDJ!Holmes sneaking back in to put it back in the pot) or too mean (RDJ!Holmes flinging it into the Thames) so I guess you fill in the blanks there. Thanks for reading, and reviews make my day!


	4. Enter BBC Holmes and Watson

The BBC Cumberbatch/Freeman shows are gaining popularity, so I figured they deserved a place in the Holmes vs. Holmes plot.

I mean, seriously, I watched one hour of one episode (the stupid website wouldn't let me finish watching without becoming a member or something) and I was hooked. (I have since watched all three existing episodes multiple times)

If, for some odd reason, you don't know of the BBC Holmes and Watson, they are set in 2010 with cell/mobile phones and all the technology we have today. Holmes is played by Benedict Cumberbatch and Watson is played by Martin Freeman.

Also, if any of these lines seem familiar, they were borrowed from Sadyna (from dA) or Paperflower86 (also from dA)

**A look at the interaction between JB Holmes, RDJ Holmes, BR Holmes and BC Holmes.**

"Well, well, well! Look what we have here," said RDJ Holmes.

"You must be Robert Downey Jr. Holmes," said BC Holmes.

"Astounding deduction," RDJ Holmes muttered sarcastically.

"And you are?" asked BR Holmes.

"Benedict Cumberbatch Holmes."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," said JB Holmes. "Please, have a seat."

"Thank you," BC Holmes said, somewhat confused at JB Holmes's warm welcome.

"Buttering up to the newbie, are you?" asked RDJ Holmes sardonically.

"Like you're any better, you scruffy little dwarf," JB Holmes sniffed.

"You're just jealous that I have the classic Holmes on my side, you undertaker look-alike!"

"I'm not on anyone's side," said BR Holmes.

"Could someone explain to me what exactly is going on?" asked BC Holmes.

"They've been having this argument over who's better," explained BR Holmes. "Who's more popular, which is smarter, things like that."

JB Holmes and RDJ Holmes were at each other's throats again.

"I stole that dumb plant right from under your big nose!"

"I could care less."

"You're just jealous of Gladstone and the puppies!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"They're technically not even yours!"

"So you admit it! You _are_ jealous!"

At this point, BC Holmes got out his phone and sent a text to his Watson.

**A look at the interaction between DB Watson, JL Watson, NB Watson and MF Watson.**

DB Watson, JL Watson and NB Watson stared at the newcomer. This Watson was missing something.

JL Watson was the first to speak. "So where is your mustache, huh? What kinda Watson are you?"

MF Watson fidgeted nervously. "W-well, they're not so popular anymore..."

They sat in awkward silence for a moment. "That's a very nice sweater you're wearing," said NB Watson.

"Thanks..."

The Watsons sat in silence again. Suddenly, MF Watson's phone beeped, signaling a text. He took it out of his pocket and read the message:

**Come upstairs if convenient. SH**

It most certainly was not convenient! MF Watson needed to make a good impression on the other Watsons.

"I wish I had one of those... what-do-you-call-'ems?" muttered NB Watson. The other Watsons ignored him.

"What's it say?" asked JL Watson.

"My Holmes wants me upstairs," said MF Watson.

"Are you going?"

"No, not yet. I'll stay a while-"

The Watsons rolled their eyes when MF Watson's phone beeped again. This text said:

**If inconvenient, come anyway. SH**

MF Watson swore.

"'If inconvenient, come all the same?'" asked DB Watson.

MF Watson nodded. "I'd better see what he wants." As he trudged up the stairs, he muttered to himself, "This had better be good."

As MF Watson neared the sitting room door, he could hear raised voices and the faint sound of metal hitting metal.

"_I_ have the most unique style of all Holmes!"

"Of course, who wouldn't want to look like a beggar?"

MF Watson entered the sitting room to find furniture knocked down, BR Holmes and BC Holmes quite flustered, and RDJ Holmes and JB Holmes holding fencing sabers.

Even more shocking was the fact that JB Holmes was on BC Holmes's shoulders and RDJ Holmes was on BR Holmes's shoulders.

MF Watson pulled out his gun and shouted, "Stop! I've got a gun, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

The Holmeses took one look at the gun and froze in fear.

**In the kitchen where the Watsons are having a pleasant conversation**

"Should we go after him? asked DB Watson.

"I suppose," said JL Watson.

They tramped up the stairs and opened the sitting room door and stood in the doorway, stunned by what they saw. NB Watson was quick to recover and said, "Holmes, what in heaven's name...?"

JB Holmes was still perched atop BC Holmes's shoulders and RDJ Holmes was still on BR Holmes's shoulders. Two fencing sabers and one plunger gun dropped to the floor.

...

"I am very sorry, Cabbagepatch-" began RDJ Holmes.

"Cumberbatch!" growled BC Holmes.

"Holmes!" barked JL Watson.

"I am sorry, Cumberbatch Holmes, for the insults. Will you please forgive me?" RDJ Holmes's apology came out forced.

Seeing the glare on MF Watson's face, BC Holmes grudgingly accepted the apology.

On his way out, RDJ Holmes muttered "Bandicoot Cabbagepatch" in BC Holmes's direction.

"I heard that, Holmes!" growled JL Watson.

...

"Are you alright, Holmes?" NB Watson looked worried.

"That confounded Brett Holmes knocked a book down onto my head!"

"Shall I take a look at it?"

"No, no, Watson, I shall be fine. That Cumberbatch Holmes seems like a decent fellow though. If only he hadn't sided with that Brett Holmes!"

"So you are on Downey Holmes's side, then?"

"I suppose..."

"Holmes?"

"Yes, Watson?"

"What are those little things called? You know the little things that Cumberbatch Holmes and Freeman Watson have?"

BR Holmes laughed. "Mobile phones, my dear Watson. Unfortunately, their technology is so much farther than our own."

"Huh? That's too bad. Those things seem much faster than sending a telegram."

"They are, Watson."

"Oh. Really? They are?"

"Yes, Watson."

"Oh."

...

[1] From Sadyna's remix meme. "Why 6 (Martin!John) is afraid of 7 (Jude!Watson)."

[2] From one one of Sadyna's comic strips on LiveJournal (known as Sadynax over on LJ)

...

I just _had_ to give Basil!Holmes and Nigel!Watson the last word since they're so ignored.

Well, the stage is set and if you think this little drama is missing any Holmes/Watson duos (from films, obviously), let me know! And, which Holmes/Holmes team is your money on? (metaphorically speaking, of course)

EDIT: Fixed the fact that Basil!Holmes uses the American-ism "cell phone" instead of the British-ism "mobile phone." Thanks to Moonspun Dragon for pointing this out!


	5. Pass the Tea

This was inspired by a review from WhereTheMildThingsAre and Sadyna's remix meme on dA. I hope the Watsons don't bore you with their overly polite attitudes.

"_...the Watsons were entirely content with their chit-chat and "do kindly pass the tea" and generally polite attitudes..."_

Sadyna's remix meme: _Four (Irene) jumps nine (RDJ!Holmes) in a dark alleyway. Who comes to their rescue, ten (Granada Mrs. Hudson) two (Benny!Holmes) or seven (Jude!Watson)?_

...

"Do kindly pass the tea, will you Jude Watson?"

"Here you are, David Watson."

"Thank you."

"So," NB Watson was telling MF Watson, "Holmes had solved the case without even meeting any of the suspects."

"Impressive," said MF Watson.

"So what is life in the year 2010 like, m'boy?"

"It's very different from the year 1888. Cabs are cars, er, automobiles. We use electricity instead of gas to light our homes. We use e-mail and cell phones to communicate instead of telegrams."

"It's amazing how far technology goes in one hundred years," said DB Watson.

"Indeed," said JL Watson.

"What's e-mail?" asked NB Watson.

"E-mail is like a letter except that you send it with a computer and it's much faster."

"What's a computer?"

"You know what, why don't you come to my place sometime and I can show you?"

"Sounds good to me! I'd love to see how people are getting on without telegrams-"

"I apologize for scaring you the other day." said JL Watson.

"It's alright," said MF Watson.

"If only our Holmeses would get along the way we do," sighed NB Watson.

"As if _that_ would ever happen," said JL Watson.

A crash sounded from upstairs.

"Watson!"

"Excuse me for a moment." JL Watson got up and ascended the stairs since it was his 221B Baker Street.

"Help me, Watson!"

RDJ Holmes's tone made JL Watson panic somewhat. JL Watson opened the door to Holmes's room to find that it was empty.

"Watson, they're trying to kill me!"

JL Watson peeked over RDJ Holmes's bed (quite a feat since it had piled so many things on top of it) to find Irene Adler and BC Holmes attempting to pull RDJ Holmes out from underneath the bed.

"Hold still, Sherlock! Oh, good afternoon, Dr. Watson," said Irene. "Be a dear and let go of the doctor's leg, will you, Sherlock?"

RDJ Holmes had somehow managed to latch onto JL Watson's leg. "Do something, Watson, they're going to kill me!"

JL Watson sighed and wrenched his leg out of RDJ Holmes's grasp.

"How could you, Watson?" cried RDJ Holmes as Irene and BC Holmes pulled in out from under the bed.

"Remember, Jeremy Holmes wants to see him first. Then you can have him; that was the deal," said BC Holmes.

"Of course," said Irene. "I would never dream of double crossing you two."

"Noooooooo!" wailed RDJ Holmes as Irene and BC Holmes tied his ankles together and dragged him off.

"Just don't kill him, I might need him later."

"Don't you worry, Jude Watson." said BC Holmes. "You can have him back as soon as Miss Adler's done with him."

...

"Nooooooo! Watson, how could you? Waaaaah!"

The Watsons looked up as Irene and BC Holmes lugged RDJ Holmes through the kitchen.

"Excuse us, Doctors," Irene shouted over RDJ Holmes's screaming.

"Of course, Miss Adler," DB Watson shouted.

MF Watson swore. "Sherlock, what are you doing?"

"Don't worry John, it's perfectly fine."

"But-"

"It's fine."

RDJ Holmes stopped wailing.

BC Holmes stared at RDJ Holmes's limp form. "What did you do to him?"

"I drugged his tea. He can be so gullible sometimes... Well, shall we be going now?"

...

I wonder why I get the feeling Jeremy!Holmes isn't going to get his little chat with RDJ!Holmes?

And yes, it's Movie '09 Irene Adler, played by Rachel McAdams. I personally enjoy HolmesXIrene, but each to his/her own.

Please, let me know what you think!


	6. Double Crossed

In reply to a couple of reviews (from bbc and chestry007): How good Ronald Howard Holmes was is a matter of personal preference. I admit they scared me off after Watson agreed with Lestrade thus disagreeing with Holmes. And I have not included Clive Merrison for the simple reason that you hardly ever hear any raving about how awesome he was. I have never seen Christopher Plummer and you hardly ever hear about him either, so he unfortunately will not be making an appearance.

...

Irene and BC!Holmes brought RDJ!Holmes out of 221B and out onto the street. For unknown reasons, nobody seemed to notice the man and woman carrying the limp form of RDJ!Holmes.

"Jeremy Holmes will certainly be happy," said BC!Holmes.

"I imagine he will be," said Irene. The two hailed a cab. As it slowed, Irene suddenly looked past BC!Holmes and shouted, "Ohmigosh look! Ham!"

"Ham? Where?" shouted BC!Holmes. He immediately ran off in the direction Irene

was pointing.

Irene laughed. Holmeses could be so gullible sometimes.

"Huh? Wuzz goin' on?" asked RDJ!Holmes, who had just woken up.

"I'm trying to help you, Sherlock, but we don't have much time before Benny-Holmes realizes that there is no ham."

"Wha... ham?" RDJ!Holmes was confused.

Irene rolled her eyes. "Just get in the cab."

...

"What!"

BC!Holmes flinched.

"I can't believe you let him escape!" shouted JB!Holmes.

"It was that woman! She tricked me into running off!"

"I don't care! If you don't get him back, I'll take your skull!"

"I don't need it, I've got John to talk to."

There was a long pause during which JB!Holmes thought about how best to bribe BC!Holmes.

"If you do it I will buy you a ham. And you can have it all to yourself."

"Deal!"

...

Will JB!Holmes get his revenge on RDJ!Holmes? Will BC!Holmes get his ham? Find out in the next chapter (hopefully it won't be too long of a wait)

I apologize for not updating in over a month and then adding such a short update! Real Life attacked and wouldn't let up.

I may include Vasily Livanov and Vitaly Solomin (the Russian H&W) if you guys think they are good enough. But first JB!Holmes, BC!Holmes, BR!Holmes and RDJ!Holmes must have it out.


	7. Author's Note

I sincerely apologize that I haven't updated this in six months, but I am really stuck. If I tell you why I am stuck, it would give away the ending (and we wouldn't want that now, would we?) It will suffice to say that I can't get anywhere until the Guy Ritchie sequel is released, mainly because I really don't want to go back and rewrite everything.


End file.
